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So many times we woke up feeling like someone had taken a sledge hammer and smashed it into our heads. Now, we were just supposed to put on that happy, happy smile and go out in the world and tell everyone. - How, am I doing? Just great… Thanks for asking! When all we wanted to do is to cry and have someone wrap us up in their loving arms and hug us and tell us that everything is going to be fine. When we told people that we might not be doing so good, we got The Answer. - Don’t worry. It’s normal to feel that way. Sitting here now contemplating that answer. All we can say is: - Why on earth, is feeling like shit the norm? Hello, are we missing something here? Or is the world completely:
UPSIDE DOWN?
Meeting each other and finding another person that shared this thought was wonderful. All of a sudden that feeling of “am I crazy to be the only one noticing that the world has gone bonkers and I’m supposed to just sit there and take it?” evaporated and we were both able to let out a long sigh, that breath we’d been holding for years and years was finally let out. -Aaaaaaaaaaaahh….There we were relieved and comforted that we’d found someone else that had been fed the same lies we had. Still, that was only part of the answer. Now we had to come up with new rules for ourselves that made sense. New habits that were to form a new reality of feeling good about our selves, our relationships, our jobs, our bodies… It was time to put things:
RIGHT SIDE UP!
Do you know what happens when you turn something over, that’s been in the same position for decades? We can tell you, from personal experience that all sorts of crap and dust and thinga-ma-boppers come falling out! We had been running “successful” lives in separate corners of the world. Strangely, when we started to talk about our approach to life, so far from each other, it seemed we had adopted similar ways to operate to feel good about our selves. We both had acquired the idea that we were to serve others first, and thereby becoming persons worthy of love. Now, when we realized that there was a possibility we might be lovable just the way we are, we decided this sounds like the way to turn our worlds right side up. Some interesting consequences occurred when we started acting on this new concept… Not everyone was exited about us taking back our services and changing. Us changing, forced others to come along for the ride, and they didn’t even know they had bought tickets! Along the way, some decided to ‘abandon ship’. So even though you know you are putting things right, others may say – Hey! You there, get back to your position, you’re rocking our boat! We’re not yet ready to be turned:
INSIDE OUT!
We on the other hand are, very ready. When we lived by what we had been taught, we knew that the only way to feel happy was if everyone including ourselves behaved. When we were in an environment where people treated us well, showed us love and appreciated us; Oh, what a wonderful world it was! But lo and behold, there were other times where people around us were mean, and greedy and ungrateful. Those times we waded around in misery, hoping and praying that things would be restored to order so that we could feel happy once again. Now, hold it, right there! So, we can only be happy if others act in a certain way, meaning they hold the power of our happiness? When we realized that, it was easy to figure out what turning that upside down would look like. Us being in charge of our feeling good! Now, we’re talking. The only problem at that point was, how the stink do we do that? First, we figured it would be a good idea to have an inkling of what made us feel good. Since all the years of pleasing others, we now had no idea of what we liked! One source of misery we noticed, was judging ourselves as bad or wrong. So we found that replacing that judgment with a curiosity about ourselves, making our “mistakes” intriguing experiences to learn from was one way to feel better. One trick down, what else could we figure out? We noticed that every time we tried to be in a relationship of any sort coming from a place of insecurity and a feeling of not being our own answer, making them the solution, we couldn’t get it to work! And how we tried and tried, hard, to be good friends, girlfriends, wife, mother, daughters etc. But somehow, it always seemed it wasn’t enough to make us truly satisfied, even though we were good girls and kept up the appearances of ‘everything is great!” Upside down it, and what do you get? We weren’t really happy. Actually we were depressed beyond description and afraid to admit it because it is not ’socially acceptable to do so.’ We decided to break the rules because we seriously had nothing left to lose. Our soul was already almost dead. With what little life we had left we made a pact to find and be our own full answer, to start working on the inside and then look out and see what new results we might get. We did it. We found something remarkable, a feeling of freedom. We could be happy just by listening to our own selves and honoring what we heard. Aaaaaah, another deep exhalation made possible. So, why bother with other people. Lets just become hermits and live happily ever after! We kind of did that to but it was just no fun… So, we thought we’d figure out how to make the:
OUTSIDE IN
approach worth experiencing too. - I can’t believe how selfish you are! A fair statement perhaps. Maybe the person getting such a phrase thrown in their face didn’t chose to give a hand when requested. Now lets think how you would feel if someone said that to you. Would you feel hurt, sad, angry or simply surprised? We can tell you that both of us would, in the past, have felt unfairly treated to say the least. -How dare someone accuse Me of being selfish. I bend over backwards to assist people as often as I can! So, what does that last answer imply? That I’m not so balanced in that area? That I have something to look at that may require some healing? Yes, you figured it out. People on the outside of us will be excellent mirrors to help us locate the parts of us, inside, in need of some TLC. From the upside down to the right side up, to the inside out and outside in, then we go:
ROUND AND ROUND!
And so the concept of a cycle of learning and healing was born! Believe you us when we say that it’s quite the merry-go-round we’ve gotten on. In creating our own boundaries and rules, and living by them, there are no quick fixes. But a choice is made to be our own best friend. A commitment of loving our own selves through thick and thin is conceived into possibility. Showing a new example, “being the change you want to see in the world”. So:
IN PRACTICE TODAY
Karna:
I woke up this morning and I ran upstairs to greet Katrina to another day together, only to find her in tears. I had enough emotional healing to just dive into her bed and just sit there in silence and feel like no words were necessary. I felt the bond between us so strong that I didn’t have to know what was going on, nor to give advice, nor make her better, but only to be there with her; Knowing that she is alright and so am I and that all I needed to do, was just to be. I knew then, the new ideas we have made up, no matter how crazy they look: WORK!”
(I love you Katrina!)
Katrina:
I woke up this morning from a nightmare so scary that I jumped into my husband’s lap. My nightmare had to do with being a young child, once again, under the control of my dad and step-mom (If you read this family, know that I am not down on your efforts in raising me at all. I realize you did the best you could with what you had. Every person I have met has had some things from their childhood that hasn’t worked and has had to face it. I am merely choosing to look at things and heal here.).
My dream started with what happened in real life, from my point of view, as being given a long list of things to get done in the house and on the ranch while they were out getting errands done. I was promised in my dream that after I got the list done, they would allow me to have some fun by going on a trip to get something done for them. I was really looking forward to the break of not being at the house anymore so I started the daunting tasks the lied before me. In the dream, I remember thinking that most likely, when I finished the tasks I would receive a call from my parents saying they changed their mind and that I couldn’t go. I got everything done and just as I was leaving the house to be gone (and actually it was a thought of having a way to run away), the phone rang. I didn’t want to answer the phone, but the obedient side of me would not allow me to relent. Sure enough, it was my parents telling me I couldn’t go any longer. Where the dream really gets interesting is here where I hang up the phone and decide to not obey their orders and go anyway. The interesting part is that I had been educated to do exactly what I was told ‘or else’ in my real life. I did something in my dream differently than what I did in real life living with them, even thought I thought my dream was actually taking place.
This may not sound like a nightmare, but for me, one of the most scariest places to be in this world is young and under the control of my parents, feeling like I could never get out. To me, my life with my parents was very intense and I don’t ever want to go back to that kind of life again.
On top of the dream, I have had issues of being sick and weak. In my view, I got picked on pretty badly when I lived with my parents for not pulling my weight, or faking it, when I lived there. So I decided to try as hard as I could in life to not show when I felt weak and ill, because I didn’t want to be picked on and rejected for not performing. With Epstein-Barr and a very demanding work schedule during my growing up years, there wasn’t very many times I didn’t feel terrible and still have to keep plugging along and deny my body and mind telling me they were tired and wanted to collapse.
With these two things happening for me simultaneously this morning, one of my greatest fears came up to try and devour me. I really thought that I would be left on the side of the road and rejected if I didn’t have any more strength to contribute in my relationships. My mind was admitting that I am totally tired and broken down now at 38 years old, and so therefore I was about to be gotten rid of instead of being taken care of. To many, this may sound absurd to believe such things. To me, I just had not experienced much kindness when I have been ill and not able to contribute—now just a ‘burden’.
So, for the first time, in my 15 years of being married, I found myself desperately clinging to my husband in his lap. Having to try and figure out why I was so freaked out. My end conclusion was that I didn’t want to be rejected and ejected for being now in need and weak. My husband has never, in any way, showed me he would be so cruel as to kick me to the curb if I had no more to give, but because of my past I just didn’t know what he would do now that I have reached way over my breaking point.
Everyone was surprised with my thoughts and reactions, including me, but one of the sweetest healings came to me today. Everyone here did not want to reject me and all wanted to help me even if I couldn’t give back. My belief system of, if I don’t have any more to give then I will be discarded like and old rag, was transformed. Now I KNOW that I have a family of people who have no intention of throwing me away and actually still find value in me even if I don’t have a lot of strength to give anymore. I am finding unconditional love! We are finding unconditional love, one day at a time, one lesson at a time, facing one scary fear at a time together.
Here is where we are making magic together. The movement that we are all committed to continue to grow is the win-win zone. Where we all stick together, even when it’s scary, and refuse to give up on the notion that all relationships CAN be built on the premise that everyone can be winning together in such beautiful institutions of the heart. We share our path with you that our hope will grow so strong that you will choose to find your way to healing all your relationships with us.
We are finding keys to build relationships that heal instead of tear down. It takes courage to face our vision, as we learn how to let our hearts be open once again to love and be loved, with the perceived threat that we may be hurt again. That perceived threat is losing its power over us as we learn to love our own selves, find healing, and realize that others are only reaching out to give us love or calling out to be loved. We are determined to continue being honest with what our road looks like and feels like even when it looks really ugly or possibly makes us look ugly at times.
There is a huge pile of beliefs about relationships that some of us have taken on that just aren’t working for us any more. We are calling out for more.
Karna, myself, and the rest of the people in our house are committed to keep trying to find what works and doesn’t work. We talk about it and believe in each other. We all want to believe that we have each other’s best in mind including our own best. This principle has been shared with us in logical theory, but we want to see it actually function in real live relationships.
Karna, thank you, from the deepest parts of who I am for choosing to take on this task together and continuing to believe in us, even when it gets rough (which it does often around here. This path has been very intense for all of us here). We continue to not give up on each other.
Karna’s Ending Message:
I guess the only thing left to do is to go where no wo/man’s gone before. To the depths of my mind and soul. I am a woman on a mission. I will stare my deepest, darkest fears in the eye. Then I’ll love them up all that I can (first I’ll be so scared I can’t breathe, then I’ll take a sneak peak at the fear, then I’ll feel like I want to die, then I’ll be willing to let it go, then I’ll be mad, then cry, and then I’ll be able to finally exhale… and then I’ll do it all over again). So in the end, there will be nothing left for me to fear. Because, honestly, “reality” is never as bad at what I conjure up in my mind anyway. All I have to say then is: World, watch out! The Karmic Karna is coming and here WILL BE MERCY for all! Now that’s a scary thought for many. To be totally loved, unconditionally, will bring up everything you pushed down, all your fears will come up to be healed and you’ll be whole once again. See you there…